Chapter..Oh i dont know

Hey guys. yes i know it has been a while since i have last blogged and dont worry im okay. Its just that im sooo fricken lost. I dont want to do anything anymore and its because of that Sushi guy. There are times when i text him and  talk to him im happy, and then are times when i dont even know what im saying to him. If i say certain things i later regret it. I was this close in being his gf offcially, it was only official between me and him, no one knows about us (oh except u guys) and a few signifciant others. i ended up telling him about my past (daniel..nudge nudge) and he told me his, i will tel u guys but its confiential so il just leave it at that. I found it hard to accept it but i managed to and same for him, but before we both opened up to each other i already decided not to allow myself get into this relatiionship. I know my dad would dispprove, dads really strict in which guys i decide to date. I toldhim i want to remain friends and yes both of us were hurt, iv cried many times, im just drained in sorrow at the moemoent. It was hard forme thae past few days, he got me really angry was soooo down at work on saturday, wanted to smash someone soo bad, but i didnt. He later textd me and said he accepts the option of being friends and its the best option, and i was like ok... I missed talkin to him of course, everything was say now it very short and vague,. Last night we txtd and he told me he really misses me and all, and i do 2, but i know its not right to make him suffer more in the long term. If i say yes to be his gf and then brings him home for dinner and my dad disapproves then it would hurt him even more, and i wouldnt know hw to tell him etc, and boy i dont know what he would do aye, cos frm what he told me about his past, hes capable of doing anything, i mean anything. And well we were textn and i told him i still care 4 him despite us being jus friends and even if he pushes me away il still care for 4 him. And then i found out that hes fallen in love with me, cos he tried so hard for the past few nights to 4get his feelings 4 me but he cant. he told me that usually when a girl rejects him and shot him down he'l move on easily, but for me he couldnt. He said that he never encounterd a girl in this that he has soo much in common with and it would be a waste to let me go. I didnt know what to say aye, and i just fel aslep, woke up at 2am and saw his text and he said I wish i can be with you...and i replied with jus ok... and he replied and told me that he just woke up to get a drink and i textd him just when he opend his eyes...scary..we think a like. And he told me that he doesnt want to let me go etc etc and he doesnt want me to let go of my feelings cos he wants it to re-blossom again...I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! im not in the mood to do anyting or go anywhere....ARRRGHH!~ Im soooo messed up inside aye. We just keep on going in circles. If you guys want me to come to Rainbows End on Wednesday u gotta find a way to convince me to go, and im not that easily convinced. ARGH WHAT A LIFE MAN!! AAARGH!! i dont want to grow up. Iv been getting headaches all the time becos of this whole situation. ARGH! Screw this. Screw life. Screw thinking, Screw feelings. Screw everything!!!!